7 Common Phrases That Are Unhelpful When Struggling with Self-Esteem
Spiritual Life
Audio By Carbonatix
By Carrie Lowrance, Crosswalk.com
Self-esteem is something we have all struggled with in our lives—as kids growing up with a narcissistic parent, as teenagers going through typical teenage things like learning to drive, asking our first crush out, or going on a first date, and as adults applying for our first jobs, moving and making new friends, or starting a new hobby that we're passionate about but not good at. This is something we all deal with occasionally.
Well-meaning friends try to support us when we are struggling, but sometimes they say extremely unhelpful things. Common phrases we may hear are, "I know that job rejection hurts, but you'll get over it," or "I know you think your situation is bad, but someone always has it worse." Although they may mean well, phrases like these are not helpful to someone who is struggling with their self-esteem. Let's dig a little deeper and learn why these phrases can be so damaging.
Understanding Self-Esteem: The Foundation of Self-Worth
First, let's understand what self-esteem is. Self-esteem is defined as a person's overall sense of worth or value. It is a product of our experiences, interactions, and perceptions. Self-esteem begins in early childhood and evolves throughout our lifetimes.
The Impact of Words: How Language Shapes Our Self-Perception
The Bible says the tongue has the power to build us (and others) up or to destroy (ourselves and others). Even though we may not think about it, our words have power.
The words we use to talk to ourselves and others daily have serious consequences for our mental health. Our language can influence our emotional well-being and cognitive functions as well. When we use positive language, it boosts our mood, self-esteem, and resilience, and that of those around us. When we use negative language, it contributes to stress, anxiety, and depression.
Saying, "I made a mistake," differs from saying, "I'm a total failure." We all make mistakes. Sometimes, we can fix them, and sometimes, we can't. When someone says, "I'm a total failure," it's like they are saying the mistake is a feature of their entire identity.
On the flip side, never underestimate the power of speaking life and positivity into someone's life. Your words mean more than you think.
1. Just Be Yourself: Why This Advice Can Fall Flat
When you have self-esteem issues, it's easy to think people won't like you in new situations. To help combat your anxiety and nervousness, most people will tell you, 'just be yourself', but this can be misleading and cause even more issues. Especially if 'just being yourself' leads to bad behavior because of human nature. Other reasons this is poor advice are:
Authenticity Is Incomplete: The thought of having to be 'real' all the time, does not add up when held under the magnifying glass. It makes the human psyche seem simple, which can lead to a lack of self-awareness and emotional regulation.
Multiplicity on the Inside: It is important to recognize different parts of ourselves, such as our angry, friendly, and selfish sides, for managing ourselves effectively.
Being Real: Instead of trying to be a fixed 'real' version of ourselves, we should build relationships between different parts of ourselves, which can help with better decision-making and emotional regulation. By understanding ourselves and how we react to things, we can make better decisions and handle our emotions like adults.
Responsibility over rawness: Instead of being our raw selves, we should prioritize responsibility and being considerate of our effect on others in order to have more meaningful interactions.
Although being authentic is important, it needs to be balanced with an understanding of the complexity of human behavior, with being self-aware and managing emotional regulation.
2. It's All in Your Head: Dismissing Emotional Struggles
We live in a fast-paced society, and conversations about mental health issues have become prevalent. Even with the growing awareness of these issues, people can still dismiss others' emotional struggles. "It's all in your head" is a phrase that people use too often.
When our friends dismiss and minimize our emotions with remarks like these, it causes psychological repercussions. These dismissive comments can contribute to feelings of isolation, shame, and invalidation. People grappling with these issues may question whether their experiences are legitimate. They fear their friends and family won't take them seriously, further damaging their self-esteem. This internal conflict can inflame the very issues they are trying to address, only furthering a cycle of self-doubt and stigma.
3. Others Have it Worse: Minimizing Personal Experiences
This phrase reminds me of something my grandmother used to say: "You may think you have it bad, but someone else always has it worse." I loved my grandma, but I don't think she realized how damaging this phrase could be. Even though it sounds humble and compassionate, it often makes people feel even more stuck and alone.
What this phrase is doing:
Shielding against vulnerability: When people dismiss their pain, they don't have to risk opening up and being let down.
Disguising perfectionism: When some people admit difficulty, it feels like admitting failure. Minimizing their struggles makes them look flawless and like everything is perfect.
Harkens back to early learning: It harkens back to early learning; as children, some people were told, 'Stop crying, other people have it worse.'
Not wanting to be selfish: When people value others, sometimes they feel like focusing on their own pain and problems is selfish. By dismissing their struggles, they preserve their moral worth.
This statement is adherent in that you're not just comparing yourself to others; you are also shielding yourself from feelings you don't want to face.
4. You Need to Toughen Up: The Dangers of Shame-Based Encouragement
Parents use this shameful phrase to their kids, coaches to their teams, and in the workplace. While people mean this in an encouraging way, it's very toxic. Underneath this innocent comment subtly conveys that vulnerability, failure, and emotional expression are weaknesses to be scorned. There are many reasons this phrase can have long-term consequences.
Increased Anxiety & Depression: Constant shame can lead to the development of anxiety and depressive disorders. When people face difficult situations, they might internalize the messages, leading them to feel unable to cope and experience hopelessness.
Impairs Self-Esteem: When people hear repeated shame-based comments, it wears down their self-esteem.
Hindered Emotional Expression: People who are conditioned to dismiss their emotions often have trouble communicating effectively and building healthy relationships. This can cause isolation because they fear revealing their true feelings.
Stunted Growth and Learning: Being exposed to shame-based encouragement can prevent people from taking necessary risks. When people face scorn instead of understanding or support after failing, they avoid new challenges, which hinders their personal and professional growth.
5. Happiness Is a Choice: Oversimplifying Complex Emotions
This statement, happiness is a choice, oversimplifies the complex emotions that contribute to happiness. It's true that we choose how to react to situations, but seldom do we get to choose the situations we are involved in. Here are some reasons this phrase is toxic.
Invalidation of Struggles: When people insist that happiness is a choice, it creates an environment where people are compelled to quell their negative emotions. Those who struggle with self-esteem, anxiety, and depression may feel ashamed they cannot 'choose happiness'. Therefore, being pressured to conform to a positive mindset can invalidate people's struggles and further stifle them from getting help.
Cultural and Societal Influences: Cultural context influences emotional expression and the pursuit of happiness. Different cultures have beliefs about happiness that may not resonate with everyone. Some countries value family and community well-being for happiness, and other cultures value prestige and stuff for happiness. By linking happiness simply to being a choice, we overlook societal and cultural factors that shape our feelings and emotions.
Neglecting External Factors: Sometimes life happens which makes it hard to pursue happiness.
6. You'll Get Over It: The Harm of Invalidating Feelings
Our world prioritizes productivity over emotional well-being, and even though this phrase sounds positive, it is insensitive to people who are trying to navigate their emotional landscape. Most people tend this to be encouraging, but like the other phrases in this article, it's damaging. This is because:
It Erodes Self-Esteem: This phrase casts doubt on people's emotional responses. Dismissing emotions causes feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, making people unsure if they can express genuine emotions and if those emotions are valuable.
Increased Anxiety and Depression: Constant invalidation inflames feelings of anxiety and depression.
Impaired Emotional Regulation: Invalidating someone's feelings hinders their ability to process them. By telling them to 'get over it,' they aren't able to process and work through their emotions and understand why they exist, leading to confusion.
Effects on Relationships: Constantly invalidating one's feelings leads to trust and empathy issues, which are essential to healthy relationships. People become defensive instead of supportive, causing an endless cycle of emotional distress. Carrying the burden of these unresolved emotions causes resentment and distance, affecting intimacy and connection with others.
7. Just Think Positive: The Downside of Toxic Positivity
This phrase, also known as toxic positivity, refers to the excessive, insincere promotion of thinking positively while diminishing negative emotions. Examples are "Look on the bright side" and "Find the silver lining." Although these sound positive, they overlook the validity of feelings of loss, hardship, and disappointment.
Toxic positivity has effects on mental health like diminished emotional expression, stigmatization of struggle (feeling ashamed of your struggles), and impaired coping mechanisms (being stuck in a cycle of toxic positivity and not being able to process pain).
Finding Constructive Alternatives: Words That Empower Self-Esteem
Instead of feeding into these unhelpful phrases that aren't helpful to your self-esteem, here are some ways to build yourself up.
Try these phrases instead.
Negative: "I can't do this."
Positive: "I can learn to do this."
Reframe the idea that you're incapable of a learning opportunity. This encourages a growth mindset, and this subtle shift opens the door to experience and development, allowing you to approach challenges with curiosity rather than fear.
Negative Phrase: "I'm not good enough."
Positive: "I am doing my best."
When we acknowledge effort over perfection, we grow into a healthier self-view. This phrase emphasizes that we should tie our self-worth to the journey and the courage to try rather than to an unrealistic level of excellence.
Negative Phrase: "I always fail."
Positive Phrase: "I can learn from my mistakes."
Society often demonizes failure, even though it's a crucial part of growth. Instead of getting caught up in our failures, we should use them as learning opportunities to reduce the sting and enforce resilience and adaptability.
Our friends and family mean well when they tell us these things, but they may not know how toxic these phrases can be. Learning new phrases and ways of looking at things can build our self-esteem one step at a time.
